Monday, February 21, 2011

New Formula = new kid, Elmo Pampers and a thought on marriage.

Wow! We finally got a formula change for Janna and the result has been surprising, even better than expected. Not only has Janna not had any major reflux problems on this Formula; Nestle Compleat, she had the best night sleep that anyone can remember her having - ever! Previously we were lucky to get a straight 6 hours, this would be considered a "good night's sleep".   Last night she slept for 9 and a half hours!   I'm so happy about that I could track down the creator of that particular formula recipe and give him/her a big Thank You hug. Of course I still do not like the idea of only giving Janna the same formula for every meal day in and day out so we're going to try a home made blenderized diet in the mornings and see how it goes. One thing is for sure, we've moved on from Pediasure and will not be looking back.

Of course sleep is still a bit of a premium luxury with Baby Alexa thrown in the mix. She's still nursing frequently every 2-3 hours and growing like a little weed. At around 9 weeks old she's now out of the 3 month old clothing and into 3-6 or 6 month sizes. She's moved up a diaper size too, I'm a bit concerned that she'll be out of the small size G-diapers before we can use up the refills. (Which I had ordered back in December from a third party online vendor who will remain nameless, but still have not yet arrived.) We've been using disposables in the meantime and Alex is now in size two. When I opened the new package And put the first #2 diaper on her I noticed the Elmo on the waist band and felt a wave of disappointment..maybe even a little bit of depression and it took me a few seconds to realize why. These diapers were the very same that had been used on Janna when we were inpatient at BCCH in December of 2008. She was 5 months old and we were in the midst of our battle with the seizure monster that was slowly stealing her from us. It was surprising to me that the presence of one little illustrated Sesame St character could evoke such an emotional response.  I guess I am a little PTSD after all.

A final thought, I've heard many instances where having a special needs child stresses a marriage to the breaking point. When I'd hear these stories I'd thank my lucky stars for the man I'd married thinking that could never happen to us. More recent events have brought me to realize that even the strongest relationships can be tested and that, no my marriage was not immune.  Not that I'm under the illusion that we weren't susceptible to other challenges, but Janna was a huge game changer for us.

My husband and I used to thrive on adventure, getting out into the mountains and exploring new territory.  Janna came as a surprise to both of us, we hadn't planned on a child together.   After her birth and what followed, I saw the road ahead as one of the biggest mountains I'd ever climb, not sure if I'd be rewarded with a view or pummelled by storms.  I've trod up this trail the past two a half years with my head down, determined to reach the top.  I knew my husband was falling behind but thought he'd catch up eventually.  It wasn't until I looked up one day and saw him climbing back down that I'd realized he was lost, and retreating to more hospitable terrain.  Do I follow him back down?  Memories of the warm sun, carefee days in the flower dappled meadows, traveling the majestic forests and drinking from cool clean streams fill my head with a sad yearning for what once was.  Then I look at my daughter; my beautiful Janna, and know I'm right where she needs me to be.  So with a heavy heart I take one last look downward.   I say my goodbye and up I climb shouldering the harsh weather through that moonscape with her because she deserves above all else to get to the top of that mountain.

Goodbye Tim,  I'm sorry for not being the wife you wanted me to be, sorry you couldn't be the husband I needed but I'll never be sorry for our daughter.

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy to hear your update on Janna and Alex. What a huge step forward for her with the formula!!

    Although it is sad that your marriage did not work out, you seem to be such a strong woman and a wonderful mom. Janna and Alexa are very lucky to have you as their mom.

    Much luck in your new "life" and I hope you are able to find even more happiness.

    All my best,
    Megan (from the LB)...we miss you over there!